


Hopelessly Oblivious

by ArcticLucie



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Earthborn (Mass Effect), Enemies to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mass Effect 3, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-03-04 10:29:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3064442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticLucie/pseuds/ArcticLucie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one thing that Kaidan Alenko can't stand after returning to the Normandy is Commander Shepard himself. He is loud, reckless, and they fight incessantly.</p><p>But when a little white lie gets out of hand, he'll be forced to turn to him for help. Will a fake date and the opportunity to see the Commander in a different light be enough to change Kaidan's persepective of him in time? Or is the oblivious Alenko too little, too late?</p><p>M for language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hopelessly Oblivious

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the kinkmeme but the prompt was long so I'm not gonna paste it. Basically, Shep and a potential love interest don't get along, but then they go on a fake date and see each other in a different light which may lead to a relationship.

_"Hey Kaidy! How are things up there on the Normandy? Is that jackass still giving you trouble?"_

"It's nothing I can't handle..."

_"What'd they do now?"_

"Nothing...it's just that our views don't line up...like ever! And it's hard to work with someone day in and day out, to trust someone when you're complete opposites."

_"Is this about the Genophage again?"_

"I just didn't think it was something that should have been rushed into. It was already done by the time I came aboard, but there was a discussion about yesterday and I kinda got my ass handed to me. Again. It was so fucking embarrassing. And the worst part was, the jackass didn't even realize how much what they said stung me."

_"I'm sorry. I know how much that sucks."_

"Yeah, it does, and I have to put up with it everyday."

_"They don't deliberately pick on you, do they? Like hazing or something?"_

"Maybe....sometimes, but I usually deserved that."

_"You don't deserve to be shit upon, Spectre Alenko!"_

"I know, but somethings I walk right into. It's just that we don't seem to see eye to eye on ANYTHING. There are so many other examples that are classified, but we seem to be on opposite sides of all of them! It's disheartening and draining. And their tactics are brash and rough sometimes, like all they want to do is stir up trouble or get attention. You know that's not how I operate."

_"Have you talked to them about it?"_

"I can't! They're like standoffish or something, I can't really bring it up. They are incapable of having a normal, serous conversation. Believe me, I have tried. It'd end up as a big joke to them or a big fight for us, even though we fight all the time, and I'd probably be the one getting reprimanded."

_"Is there anyone else you can talk to, turn to, just to vent or to give you a sympathetic ear? The doctor could probably counsel you, maybe the Commander? I hate to see you like this. Maybe you should request a different posting."_

"No, that's...no. It'd be like they were winning. But..."

_"But what?"_

"There maybe someone I can turn to," he said sheepishly. He was thinking Liara; they had a special bond.

_"Kaidan Alenko! Have you been holding out on your oldest friend?"_

"It's nothing really."

_"Uh huh...you know you can't lie to me. Who is he?"_

"What do you mean 'he'?"

_"Kaidy, I know you...it's totally a he!"_

Kaidan blushed. So what if he was lying to his oldest friend? It wasn't his fault that Dawn misinterpreted him, but he wasn't about to correct her. There wasn't anyone on the Normandy he was interested in. The only other gay guy was Cortez and he seemed overly interested in a clueless James.

He didn't know which one had it worse: the idiot hopelessly pining or the idiot who was blindly oblivious. Not that they were idiots, they were both good people. Either way, he was going with the hopeless idiot.

More to the point, Major Kaidan Alenko was not about to confess to her and the universe that the one person on the ship who he couldn't stand, who he was sure couldn't stand him, was the one person who was trying to save the whole galaxy from total annihilation. How horrible would that sound?

_'Commander Shepard is my archenemies, but we suffer through the other's existence because we have to save the galaxy. When it's over, we will proceed to kill each other with our minds.'_

That was not going to happen.

_"So...tell me about him!"_

"What's there to say?" He should probably play along.

_"What's he look like? I know all the faces of the Normandy from that Battlespace show. Which one is he?"_

"We have to keep it quiet...for regs and stuff."

_"Okay...what about his personality?"_

"He's...great. Really great."

_"Sounds fascinating," she said dryly._

"Fine! He's funny, but like dorky funny. He likes those bad blasto movies which is really cute. He's a damn good soldier, he saved my ass the other day from some Cerberus assholes. And he's kind of shy like me. Oh and his voice...mmmm."

Okay, so he combined a little of himself, a little Joker, a little Cortez, and a little white knight into his description. She'll never know.

_"And handsome?"_

"Very. He's close to perfect."

_"Just close?"_

"Well, everyone needs to leave room for improvement. But he listens too. He knows about Rahna and BAtT and he never judged me for it."

_"He sounds wonderful. Can't wait to meet him!"_

"Yeah, maybe when the war is over."

_"Or maybe before! Hey, I gotta go, but I'll comm you next week. Look me up when you're on the Citadel next time."_

"I will. Bye Dawny."

_"Bye Kaidy!"_

What the hell did he just do? He made up an invisible boyfriend and lied to his best friend. That was low. But he knew her, she wouldn't have let it go unless he gave her something, anything, and it was the first thing that came to mind: a fake boyfriend.

Shepard really was a jackass sometimes, though. The other day, in the mess hall in front of everyone, he made a joke about shooting him if he hadn't have backed down from taking the last cup of coffee. Sometimes he wished he would have shot Shepard that day during the Coup. Damn Reapers.

It wasn't just the Genophage. Shepard was crazy! He let a Rachni queen go free...twice. He joined Cerberus, which Kaidan still hadn't gotten over. He was recently imprisoned for committing genocide. He was friends with a Geth. Who the hell was friends with a fucking Geth?! And those were just the big things.

He was loud and sometimes rude. Others liked his jagged personality, but Kaidan preferred quiet, finding peace in the silence. It wasn't that Shepard was a bad guy. He saved Elysium, he saved the galaxy twice, once with Cerberus, and he was going to do it again.

But for whatever reason, they just didn't mesh. Oil and water. That happens sometimes. No big deal.

Things between them had been better on the SR-1, death must have changed him. They were sort of friends then. After Jenkins and Ash. Shepard wasn't so intense. Now, it was almost like he was trying too hard. At what, Kaidan couldn't be sure. Life? Not dying? He did have a lot more on his plate this time. Maybe the pressure was driving him mad.

It couldn't be denied that he did what he had to do to get the job done, to beat the Reapers, but sometimes his methods were drastic. He'd always put himself on the line. Maybe that was bravery and his commitment to his team, but it was still reckless. Especially if he was the galaxy's only hope.

And for some reason, it really pissed Kaidan off.

Even his stupid voice was annoying, 'I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel.' He couldn't go anywhere without hearing it or seeing his equally stupid face.

*********

Over the next few weeks, Shepard and Kaidan continued to clash, they fought with each other while fighting their way through hundreds of Reaper and Cerberus troops, and Dawn became more and more insistent on hearing about and meeting Kaidan's mystery man.

When the Normandy docked on the Citadel, she was waiting at the docking bay. She tried to get him to point out his white knight, but he still maintained that it was a secret. The only way he got her to back down was to promise they'd come by for dinner with a couple of old friends.

He couldn't back out of it. His pride wouldn't let him. Shepard was right, he was even more stubborn than the Commander himself, and that was a tall order to fill. Now, he was in trouble. He needed to find a white knight. Someone willing to pose as his boyfriend and really ham it up. He could only think of one person who could pull it off, but he really, really, wasn't looking forward to asking _him._

After lunch with Dawn, he sucked up his pride and went up to Shepard's cabin. He had messaged him earlier about needing to talk about something, and Shepard was waiting outside his door. He never let anyone inside his 'inner sanctum' as Joker called it.

Kaidan sighed to himself as he exited the elevator. This whole thing was going to give him a migraine. He could already feel it creeping up behind his eyes.

"What was so urgent, Major?" Shepard said smoothly as he leaned his shoulder against the wall.

"I, uh, ahem...I have a favor to ask," Kaidan replied.

"Is that so?" Shepard teased with a smug smile.

"You know what...never mind. I'll figure something out. Sorry I bothered you."

"Not even gonna give me a chance? Maybe I can help. What do you need?"

"It's, god, it's so embarrassing!" Kaidan let out a frustrated groan. "I can't. Just forget it."

"I'll tell you what...you can either tell me now and get it over with, or I can pester you until you relent and tell me anyway. Which would you prefer?"

After a brief moment of quiet introspection, Kaidan caved. "Okay, so I have this friend and she's been bothering me to...ugh, I told my best friend I was seeing someone, but—"

"You lied."

"Yes."

"And you want me to pretend it's me?"

"Yes."

"To meet your friend and get her off your back?"

"Yes."

"Why me?" Shepard smirked skeptically.

"Because you owe me one for not killing you!"

"Ouch, K!"

"Who else am I gonna ask? It's not like I have any friends."

"You have one at least."

"Not the point, Shepard. It'll be a one time thing and that's it. Just maybe hold hands or something, but we don't have to kiss or hug or anything. And no one else has to find out."

"Okay, I think I can handle that. What time are you picking me up? You should know that I expect flowers," Shepard winked.

"I'm not buying you any damn flowers!" _You are so annoying! What the hell am I doing?_

"I'm partial to Earth roses, but Illium lilies are good, too. They're harder to find, though."

"No fucking flowers!"

"Is this our first fight?" Shepard said wiggling his eyebrows playfully.

Kaidan rolled his eyes. "This is hardly our first fight," he said dryly.

"Or our last," Shepard snickered.

"I better not regret this."

"I have a feeling you already do, Major."

"We're leaving at 1800. I'll meet you at the airlock."

"What shall I wear?"

"Since I'm positive you don't own anything but fatigues, that'll have to do."

"Hey, I own other things," the Commander huffed, feigning hurt.

"I've never seen you in anything else," Kaidan objected.

"That's because I save my good clothes for special occasions like tonight. I need to look my best for my boyfriend and his friends. I'll even shave, maybe do my hair all nice and pretty."

"You don't have any hair, Shepard," he responded tiredly.

"Details, details."

"You really don't need to go through any trouble," Kaidan mumbled as he stepped back into the elevator. "I'd prefer that you didn't. Less things for you to hold over my head."

"You never let me have any fun," Shepard pouted.

"That's because our ideas of fun differ greatly."

"Maybe that's because you can be a real stick in the mud sometimes, or have a stick up the ass, one or the other. Both? We might all die, Kaidan! Loosen up, live a little before we're all dead and you missed your chance."

"I do live!"

"Oh yeah? When's the last time you did anything fun that didn't involve being quiet and staying to yourself?"

"I went to Afterlife a few days ago."

"Kaidan, that was for work," Shepard said unimpressed.

"Afterward, we had some beers. It doesn't matter. Anyway, can you just try to be on your best behavior tonight: more Human Being, less Commander A-hole?"

"I'm not _that_ bad, am I?"

"No, you're worse!"

"Look at us, K! Bickering like an old married couple."

"We're just dating!" Kaidan insisted.

"It's about time!"

"What? No, we're just pretending...shit, you're messing with me aren't you?"

"It's fine. We can just pretend...for now," Shepard grinned as the doors closed.

_He is so infuriating!!_

Kaidan cursed himself all the way to the Starboard Observatory. What had possessed him to go through with this? He could just call Dawn and tell her that his boyfriend was sick or something, but she'd just want to reschedule later. _Might as well get it over with now._

*********

Shepard was waiting in the cockpit when Kaidan arrived at 1745. He thought he'd be late, the Commander was always late, but not this time. Kaidan didn't have time to be shocked at that because he was too busy being shocked over the fact that Commander John Shepard, poster boy for the Alliance, actually owned a pair of civvies.

People joked that he was born in BDU's.

He was dressed in dark jeans that fit him just as well as his precision armor did. His black t-shirt hugged his torso so tightly that Kaidan could just make out the rippling abs underneath as light played off the crevices, polished boots were shiny on his feet, and a black leather N7 jacket completed his ensemble. He even shaved like he said he would.

Kaidan's heart nearly skipped a beat. He'd never seen Shepard look so, so, so...good. So _not_ Shepard. Now, if the rest of him cleaned up that well they'd be set.

He looked so good that Kaidan felt underdressed next to him. He had on jeans and a t-shirt as well, but he was sure he didn't look anywhere near as good as Shepard did. He had on a flimsily blue Alliance jacket and boots that were dull next to Shepard's. Maybe he should have tried a little harder.

"Where are you two girls going all dolled up?" Joker snickered.

" _We_ have a date," Shepard answered boastfully.

"With who? How come you didn't get me one, Shepard?"

"I didn't think EDI would approve."

"That is correct, Shepard," EDI said.

"So, who are the lucky guys? Anyone famous? Anyone I know? Who are you going out with?" Joker asked.

"With each other," Shepard beamed.

"It's not a date! We're going to dinner with some friends of mine. It's no big deal," Kaidan interjected.

"Shepard doesn't dress up like that for 'no big deal'. You probably want to keep it quiet; regs and all. But it's about damn time you two hooked up," Joker added as he spun back around in his chair.

"It's not like that Moreau!!"

"'The lady doth protest too much, methinks,' Commander."

"Fuck off!"

"You two'll probably beat me to it tonight, Major Alenko...sir."

"Alright you two, that's enough. We should probably head out," Shepard interrupted. "It's just dinner with friends, Joker."

"Not when I tell it!"

"Joker!" Shepard lectured. Not so much lecture as put Joker in his place with his Commander voice which meant 'that's enough, knock it off or I'll space you.'

"Yeah, let's go," Kaidan growled. _Great...now my business is going to be all over the Normandy when I get back. So much for cleaning up the rest of him._

*********

The walk to Dawn's apartment was quiet. Kaidan was still in awe of how well the Commander looked, and he was surprised again when Shepard told Joker the truth. That wasn't like him. He was one of the worst when it came to fueling Joker's scuttlebutt.

The biggest surprise was that Shepard seemed content in the silence for once. He only said a few things on the way and that was only to point out something or someone on the Citadel. Not his usual goofy, godawful humor or bravado.

When they stepped off the elevator on Dawn's floor, Shepard grabbed his hand. Instinctively, Kaidan yanked it away.

"Fuck! Sorry".

"Just relax," Shepard said, taking his hand again and lacing their fingers together. "It's no big deal, we do this all the time."

"No we don't!"

"It's a cover, Kaidan. You have to believe it. Like we do it all the time, okay?"

"It's just...it's been awhile."

"Yeah, for me too."

"Bullshit!"

"Contrary to popular opinion, Major, I'm not the playboy, playgirl, playalien, boy-toy that can't keep it in his pants. Why does everyone think that?" Shepard said flustered.

"Fine, but can you just be normal for one night? Three hours tops?"

"I'm not normal, Kaidan. I've never been normal! And I'm tired of trying. You should have figured that out by now."

"Can we please not fight? Not tonight. Just charm my friends like you do everyone else and then we can leave."

"You think I'm charming?" Shepard smirked.

"Fuck no! Everyone else seems to, but you're charms don't work on me. I'm immune," Kaidan said proudly.

"I've noticed," Shepard said under his breath.

"What?"

"Let's just do this. Which one is it?"

"End of the hall," Kaidan said leading Shepard to Dawn's apartment by the hand.

"Loosen up," Shepard instructed.

"I'm trying....It's this one."

They reached the door and Kaidan went to hit the buzzer. Shepard stopped him before he did. "Wait."

"What now?" asked an already overly annoyed Kaidan.

"You need to loosen up, Kaidan."

"How do—"

Before he could say another word, Shepard had him pinned against the wall, a knee between his legs, and their lips pressed together, not too hard but just hard enough. Kaidan's lips parted of their own accord and Shepard swiped his tongue over his bottom lip before slowly working his way into Kaidan's mouth.

Kaidan was too stunned to stop him or push him away. It was dizzying, disorienting, deliciously delightful, and so fucking amazing. Not only because it had been awhile, but because Shepard's tongue was just spectacular!

Kaidan's hands were fisted in the black fabric at Shepard's sides, his head tilted slightly so Shepard could delve deeper into his mouth. His toes were curling, and he didn't dare open his eyes. Partly because he didn't want to ruin it, to end it prematurely, but also because it was Shepard.

He was kissing Shepard. Commander John Shepard's tongue was in his mouth and it wasn't weird or horrible or exhausting like most of their encounters. It was incredible, and he was confused. So utterly confused.

Bewildered really, because Shepard's hands were on him, strong and calloused, but gentle and sweet, seductive and sensual, nothing like he would have ever thought they could be. One hand on the side of his neck, thumb grazing over his jawline, the other low on his hip to where it was almost on his ass but not quite. And oh how he wished that it was.

He heard the door open, but he didn't want it to stop, didn't want it to be over. He could get lost in those lips; he was already lost in them. What the hell was going on here?

"Sorry," said a bashful voice beside them.

And that was it.

Shepard pulled away, lips swollen and glistening from a mixture of saliva from both of them, eyes half-lidded, the usual bright blue dulled around the rims of blown out pupils, rosy cheeks like rouge on his tan skin. All too soon, the heat of his body, those fingers that were magical on Kaidan's skin were gone. He was left cold and empty, and what the hell was wrong with him?

"Hey, uh, Dawny," Kaidan said, voice rugged and deeper than usual.

"Kaidan! Commander Shepard?" she said nervously.

"Please, call me John," Shepard said polite and confident as he shook her hand.

It only made Kaidan even more pissed off at the man because he himself was still reduced to a puddle on the floor unable to string together more than a few syllables of gibberish. Shepard had to lead him through the door by the hand or he would have spent the entire night in the hallway.

"Sorry about that, Dawn. We don't get a lot of alone time on the ship or out of the prying eyes of the galaxy. It was totally inappropriate."

"Oh it's fine. I completely understand. I'm just...I just wasn't expecting you, Commander...John. I would have tidied up a little more."

"Don't go out of your way on my account. This place is great! Underneath, I'm just a regular guy. Some people build me up and give me way too much credit for things I couldn't have done alone," he said, shooting a crocked smile at Kaidan.

"I'm sure," Dawn said with a knowing smile. "Can I take your jackets?"

"That would be great, Dawn. Here, Sweetheart, let me," Shepard said softly as he positioned himself behind Kaidan.

The Major was still so dazed that he was a good minute behind their conversation. Shepard slowly pulled down Kaidan's jacket and gave him a little kiss right behind his ear that sent a feeling akin to a strike of lightning radiating outward from his lips that proceeded to spread rapidly throughout Kaidan's entire body.

Shepard shed his jacket as well and handed them to Dawn. She left them for a moment to put their jackets away. When she was out of view, Kaidan spun around and leveled Shepard with a deadly scowl.

"What the hell are you doing?" Kaidan growled quietly.

"I've always been a _damn_ good boyfriend. It's a point of pride for me," he replied sharply. "Even if it is a fake relationship and I'm years out of practice."

"This is how you act with your girlfriends?"

"And my boyfriends...wait, you thought I was straight?" Shepard asked with confusion.

"I, I don't know...yeah, I guess."

"Well yes, it is how I act! I haven't exactly had the opportunity to date much since before the Blitz which means that I have a lot of years of pent-up disgustingly sweet affection inside me dying to be set free, so get used to being fawned over, Alenko, 'cause you just broke the dam!"

"Right through here," Dawn interrupted, leading them into the living room. They took a seat next to each other on the couch. "Dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes. Can I get you two something to drink? Wine maybe?"

"I'll take a beer if you have it," Kaidan said.

"Yes, Kaidy. I picked some up just for you. What about you, John?"

"What kind of wine do you have?"

"It's a red vintage bottle from Earth. Italy to be exact."

"Italian wine? I'm in heaven! What year?" Shepard asked.

Kaidan looked at him like he had grown a second head. Shepard asking about wine? Who was this man and what did he do with the real Commander Shepard? He felt like he'd never met this guy before in his life. His Shepard had only ever talked about Batarian shard wine, and that was usually about how much it sucked.

Which suddenly made total sense.

"Um, to be honest, I'm not sure. I'm not very versed on wine. All I know is that it was a wedding present and it's yummy. Would you care for some?"

"I would love a glass. Thank you."

"Excellent! I'll be right back with those. In the mean time, Kaidan can introduce you to everyone else."

Kaidan knew everyone so he did as Dawn instructed. There was Dawn's husband Ben, and three other people that him and Dawn had grown up with in Vancouver: Tom, June, and Beth. They were all a little star struck with Shepard, but he charmed them like Kaidan thought he would.

A few minutes later, Dawn returned with a beer for Kaidan, not Canadian, but it was imported from Earth, and a glass of beautiful rosy red wine for Shepard.

Shepard swirled the wineglass in his hand and took a sniff. "Strawberries!" he exclaimed, eyes bright and giddy. Everyone was staring at him while he took a sip. "Barolo, definitely Barolo. Maybe fifteen years old." He took another sip. "This is delicious," he said licking his lips. "Mmmm, so much better than that shard wine I have to put up with around here. Want a taste, Love?"

It took Kaidan a moment to register that Shepard was talking to him. "I would love one." Shepard moved the glass in front of him. He took a quick sniff and wrapped his hand around Shepard's to guide it to his lips.

"What do you think?" Shepard asked when he was done. He had a strange look on his face, one that Kaidan had never seen before. It was somewhere in between curious and unsure, insecure maybe, like he was trying to impress Kaidan and was waiting to see if it worked.

"Handsome and cultured," smiled Beth. "You don't, by any chance, have a single brother, do you?"

"Uh, no," Shepard answered a bit uneasy. "I mean, I did, but he died when I was young with our parents in a shuttle crash."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know, I wouldn't have—"

"It was a long time ago."

Another fact about Shepard that Kaidan had no idea about.

There was an awkward silence that was soon filled with Tom and Ben talking about sports. Kaidan wasn't too interested in anything other than hockey, and it appeared that Shepard wasn't either. He had leaned back on the couch, one hand holding his wine, the other lovingly rubbing Kaidan's back.

Kaidan had no idea what he was supposed to do. It had been years since he had been in a relationship, years since anyone had given him any sort of attention, especially the kind that made him warm and fuzzy inside. But it was Shepard, _Shepard,_ of all people, muddling the lines and everything he thought he knew about his CO.

"Oh wow, is that a van Gogh?" Shepard said suddenly as he jumped off the couch. He crossed the living room to a painting on the far wall that was half obstructed next to the fireplace.

"Starry Night, if I'm correct," June said from her spot on the chair nearby.

"Yes, I've seen it before. A long time ago."

"I've seen it in person. It's in a museum in New York," she added.

"Me too. It was a field trip or...something when I was young."

"You grew up in New York?" Kaidan asked from over his shoulder. He had gotten up to examine the painting after Shepard had.

"Yeah."

"I didn't know that," Kaidan said with a furrowed brow.

"It was a long time ago." That was Shepard-speak for I don't want to talk about it, so Kaidan didn't push.

Against every bone in his body, and his better judgement, Kaidan stretched out his right arm and placed a comforting hand on Shepard's hip. Shepard answered by putting his arm around Kaidan's back, hand resting on his shoulder, thumb gently caressing the tight muscles there.

Shepard leaned closer and whispered in his ear, breath thick on his neck, "Can I kiss you again?"

Kaidan nodded on pure instinct—there was no thought involved at all—his own breath erratic, heart pounding a heavy metal rhythm in his chest. Then, Shepard's lips were on his again, even more gentle than the first time, almost tentative, the taste of wine on his tongue as he lightly traced the outline of Kaidan's lips.

_Strawberries!_

Kaidan wanted to die. Right there, the Reapers could strike him down dead because he would never be kissed like that again. Earth-shaking. Galaxy-moving. Universe-shattering. That was it. Everything he ever wanted was in that kiss and he didn't even know it, did know why.

Because it was Shepard. _SHEPARD!_

Maybe it was always Shepard.

Then, it was over.

"Dinner is served," said Dawn from the door of the dinning room. "John, would you like another glass?"

"I would love one, thank you," he smiled as he pulled away from Kaidan.

Shepard took him by the hand and led him into the dining room. There was a backup while Dawn pointed each one to their seat, and Kaidan's momentum wasn't slowed in time. He smashed into Shepard, his free hand bracing them both on a firm hip. Then, his lips were on Shepard's neck pressing a kiss on the soft skin. They were so close that he could feel it when the shiver ran down the Commander's spine.

He did that!

A few minutes later, they were all settled into their seats to begin their meal. Kaidan had nearly fainted when Shepard pulled out his chair for him. It was gentlemanly. Not a thing or a word Kaidan would normally associate with the Commander, but there it was.

The two had to field a few questions about their relationship, but Kaidan had sent Shepard a list of bullet points which they followed to the letter. By dessert, the group had moved on to embarrassing stories of Kaidan when he was younger. Kaidan had a feeling that Shepard would someday use them against him, but he couldn't get his friends to let up.

After a while, Kaidan forgot that they weren't actually together. It felt like a date, a weird first date, but a date none the less. The deliberate touches, the feathery tickle of skin brushing skin, the sly sideways smiles, Kaidan stealing a swig of Shepard's wine, and Shepard a pull of his beer.

But what really got to him, what made Kaidan's stomach do backflips, were the whispers in his ear. The 'You're cute, Major', the 'I didn't know that', the 'I want to kiss you again', the 'We should do this more often', the 'You taste so good'.

He could get used to that, but it wasn't real. He had to keep reminding himself of that. It would have been so easy to get lost in those blue eyes, in that soft touch.

After dinner, they all headed back into the living area. Shepard sat down first, his arm on the back of the couch. Kaidan sat next to him, snuggling in a little closer than the last time. Shepard's hand worked its way up to the nape of his neck where his fingers delicately played with the tips of Kaidan's hair.

The occasional brush of fingers over his amp port would send a current pulsating down his spine leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake as it continued on its journey to the overly-sensitive region between Kaidan's thighs. A subtle shift in his seat was enough to avoid an awkward situation, but then Shepard would whisper something sweet in his ear—almost like he knew he was driving Kaidan up the wall—and he'd have to shift again.

Somehow, the stories of Kaidan turned into Shepard telling tales of the Blitz and N training. Things Kaidan had never heard him talk about before. The wine must have loosened him up a bit because he even talked a little about his childhood when the subject of the van Gogh was brought up again.

"I don't usually tell people this because it's embarrassing and I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but I lived on the streets for awhile after my family died. One winter it was especially cold, and I obviously didn't have a lot of clothes. My solution was to pickpocket until I had enough money to buy a membership to one of the museums to stay warm in during the day. The art museum was the cheapest, so when I had enough, I bought my pass and spent everyday there for months. I got to know the security guards and curators and picked up a lot. I really enjoyed it, too."

"You didn't go to school? How old were you?" Kaidan asked.

"About nine, and no. On the streets, everything is your school. The museum was mine for a long time. I'd go out a few times a day and hustle, but then I'd go back until they kicked me out at the end of the day. Although, I know some didn't want to. The next year, I saved up for the natural history museum, but it wasn't as interesting. After that, I joined the...after that, I made some friends and I stayed with them and didn't need the museums any more."

"That's tragic," Dawn frowned.

"And that's why I don't like to talk about it."

"We should probably be heading back," Kaidan said.

"Yeah," Shepard agreed.

"John, would you mind joining me in the kitchen for a moment? I have something for you," Dawn said.

"Sure," he replied as he got up.

Kaidan wished that he hadn't left because his friends started in on him dating Commander Shepard after he did. The girls were jealous, telling him that he did good landing him and not to let him go. The guys were asking if all the rumors were true, whether they meant in the bedroom or on the battlefield, Kaidan wasn't sure, but he blushed all the same.

A few minutes later, Shepard came back out, a sad look on his face and a bottle of wine in his hand. They said their goodbyes and headed towards the door. Shepard helped Kaidan put his jacket back on and thanked Dawn for a wonderful evening. Shepard draped his arm over Kaidan's shoulder, Kaidan's around his waist under his jacket.

Shepard gave him one last chaste kiss before they exited. They strolled down the hall, arm around the other until they got on the elevator. When the doors closed, Shepard pulled away. He leaned against the wall, arms and ankles crossed, and closed his eyes for a moment.

"That wasn't so bad," Kaidan said with a sigh, both of relief and possibly longing. A strange sense of loss had overcame him when Shepard pulled away.

"You're friends are nice," Shepard replied.

Neither spoke after that. They walked back to the Normandy in silence. The ship was quiet; most were out enjoying a few hours shore leave. They got on the elevator and Shepard pushed the button for his cabin. He stepped out halfway to keep the door from closing and turned around to face Kaidan.

"I had a really good time, Kaidan," Shepard said flatly.

"Surprisingly, I did too. But for a minute there, I thought that at midnight you were going to turn back into your usual horrible self again."

"Why didn't you tell me I made you feel that way?" Shepard asked, more pained than angry.

"Dawn told you?"

"Yeah, she told me you hate me, that I torture you. Is that what you think? That's what you think I do to you?" Shepard's voice was hoarse and broken. Kaidan had never heard him talk that low and unsteady before. It was unsettling.

"I don't know, something like that," Kaidan answered nervously. He rubbed the back of his neck, his nervous tic.

"I was flirting with you," Shepard nearly yelled. His body language morphed from wounded brooding to a fighting posture in less than a heart beat.

"No! That was not flirting," Kaidan bit back defensively.

"You kept blowing me off so I, I don't know, I guess I got desperate, more aggressive. I'm out of practice. I thought you were playing with me, playing _really_ hard to get."

"But you were mean to me. Tonight? Tonight you were different. You weren't yourself, and I liked that guy, but that's not the Shepard I know. That's not you, not really."

"You don't think that was me? You think I've been acting all night?" Shepard asked incredulously.

"Yes, that was kind of the whole point of this."

"Pretending to be your boyfriend, yeah, but the rest of it? That was all me, Kaidan! The whispers? You think that was for them?"

"I don't know...yes?"

"No, that was for you! I would have said dumb shit about my guns if it wasn't."

"Shepard, it wasn't real."

"I, I thought it was. All of it. I thought you wanted me, that you had finally come around and wanted to be with me...I, I thought it was real. I thought you loved me too. H-how could you do this to me?! How could you toy with my heart like that?" Shepard's eyes started darting back and forth, misty and red.

Kaidan was like a deer caught in headlights. He was more confused than he'd ever been in his entire life. "Love...you, you love me? What do you, what, what about the rest of it? The wine? You don't even like wine, right? How did you—"

"Why is it so hard to believe that I like wine and art and culture?" Shepard said shaking his head. "And you? Spirits, Kaidan! You don't know me at all, do you?"

Kaidan could only shrug. He was at a complete lose for words; beyond baffled.

"I'm just a fucking monster to you, aren't I? One that spent years in a gang running the streets dealing red sand, that had to spend two years living in museums 'cause I'm such a terrible person that there wasn't a single person on Earth that gave a damn about me? Is that what you think?

"Well congratulations, Major. You're so fucking right! I wasn't even supposed to be on Elysium that day! I don't even want to be the damn Savior of the galaxy! You want the job? You think you can do better? You probably could. Hell, anybody could. Fucking Conrad Verner could do a better job than me! But I'm trying here. Isn't that worth _something?_

"Do you know that I actually have a heart that can break? Did you know that? Do you know why I take all those risks? Why I'd rather put my life on the line rather than my crew? Because unlike everyone else aboard, I'm the only one who won't be leaving anyone behind. And here I thought your anger was you worrying about me, but it's not, is it? It's just from one of the millions of things you can't stand about me.

"You talk like curing the Genophage was easy for me. You throw that in my face all the damn time. But you're so wrong, it wasn't easy, it still isn't. I lost a brother that day! Even then, I'd do it again, no question, and so would he. Mordin was the last straw! I'm NOT losing anyone else, I'm next.

"And Mars, Kaidan? Fucking MARS!?

"Have I really been so horrible to you that you think I wouldn't know a thing or two about romance and something other than blowing shit up, wiping out whole star systems, and killing things with my bare hands? And those silly romance vids Tali made us watch that I'm not supposed to admit to liking? Or candlelit dinners?

"And that I'd rather make love under the stars with someone I care about than have a cheap fuck. Or how about the fact that I haven't slept with _anyone_ since we met because I've been waiting for _you_! Two fucking years, Kaidan!! Four if you want to get technical. But you, you don't even see me, do you? I don't even register as a person to you, do I? Too much Cerberus tech, huh?

"Goddammit, I am such a fucking idiot!! A blind fucking idiot. You blinded me, you ruined me for anyone else, and you don't even give a damn. No, it's worse than that, you hate me. Yeah, well joke's on you, Alenko, most days I hate me too."

Shepard turned around and started to walk toward his cabin. The lock turned green and the door swooshed open. Shepard stepped through and into the blue backlight room. But Kaidan couldn't follow, he couldn't cross the threshold, the invisible plane that no one could break but Shepard.

"Shepard, wait!" Kaidan pleaded, stepping off the lift after him. 

The Commander paused for a second before turning around and taking a few paces back towards Kaidan.

"You know what? Just forget it. Forget the whole goddamn thing," Shepard said defeated and deflated. The hurt was written all over his face, in those fading blue eyes that were bursting with so much color an hour ago now turning bloodshot and tired.

He did that.

"Shepard I—"

"It's fine, Kaidan. And I'm sorry I tortured you. It won't happen again," he said, storming back into his cabin.

Kaidan was close to begging. "Shepard, please don't! That's not—"

The door swooshed shut and the light turned red as the lock engaged. Kaidan stood there for over five minutes in absolute confusion. He didn't understand what just happened. He didn't know if he was supposed to be angry or sad or happy. He was clueless, in shock, bewildered at the things Shepard confessed to him, about the whole evening.

He had no idea that was how the man felt, about him, about wine that smelled like strawberries that he could still taste on his lips. The kisses, they were real. The whispers and the innocent touches, too. And he didn't even know it.

He didn't know Shepard was in love with him. He wouldn't have guessed in a million years that the most sought after being in the whole galaxy, who could have any man, woman, or other that he wanted, only wanted him.

He was the real jackass here, the hopelessly oblivious idiot which made Shepard the hopelessly pining one. He didn't pick up on any of it. Shepard had been trying for weeks to get his attention, acting crazier and crazier, and he couldn't see it. He was too stupid to figure it out. Too dense to see who he really was. Hell, he didn't even know that the Commander was into guys at all.

Shepard was wrong, he was the one who was blind.

*********

Eventually, Kaidan sulked down to the Starboard Observatory which was unofficially known as his room. That's where he stayed for most of the next several days. Liara came by two days after their fight, for lack of a better word. She came to ask about Shepard, but one look at his face and she dropped the subject. She must've known it was something she couldn't fix.

He sent several messages to him trying to apologize and explain himself, but he didn't receive any replies. He was sure Shepard hadn't even read them. Maybe he just hadn't gotten to them yet? He did have a pretty busy inbox.

"Hey EDI, has Shepard been reading the messages I've sent him recently?"

"No, he has not. He asked me to route all mission related messages from you to Traynor and delete the rest. Is there something I can relay to him?"

"Can you tell him that 'I'm sorry and I want to talk to him.'"

"Very well....He said he does not wish to talk to you at this time....Or ever."

"Thanks, I think."

"You are welcome, Major."

Before, Kaidan truly thought that his life would be better if Shepard just ignored him. In reality, that was the real torture.

He didn't take Kaidan on any missions, he ate all his meals alone in his cabin, he hardly walked around the ship anymore, one of his trademark characteristics that you could set your omni-tool clock by—he was pretty sure that the crew hated him for that one—and the only place Kaidan saw him was in the war room when they were both too busy to talk.

Joker, on the other hand, was never too busy to talk.

Kaidan was in the co-pilot's chair. EDI had told him that Joker needed some help with the controls for awhile. He thought it was a little suspicious because Joker never needed help and EDI could fly the ship from anywhere. Nevertheless, EDI asked nicely so he obliged. As soon as he sat down, Joker started in on him.

"I wasn't gonna say anything, but we feel that something needs to be done here," Joker said. "And I drew the short straw so here it goes: What the hell did you do, Alenko? He's been moping around like a kicked puppy, like someone drowned his hampster, since your 'not a date' last week," Joker chided him.

"I screwed up," he admitted.

"Wow, didn't expect you to actually cop to it. Well...are you gonna fix it or should we all be planning our mass suicide?"

"Don't you think I've tried? He won't talk to me."

"He's in his cabin, just go up there."

"I can't go up there! No one ever goes in his cabin. It's locked anyway."

"I thought your Spectre status can get you around locked doors. Otherwise, what's the point?"

"Yeah, but you know that's crossing some sort of line."

"All's fair in love and war, and you're in both so just figure it out before we all go down."

"I'm not in both!"

"Uh, yeah...you are."

"No. I'm not!"

"Denial, it's not just a river in Egypt."

"Fuck—"

"Off? How original. Okay, so if you're not, then what was with all the flirting and foreplay? All that sexual tension? Explain that. We've been placing bets on when you two would finally start knocking boots for weeks now. I can't lose again! And something something about morale."

"So everyone knows?"

"It's really hard to miss. Even EDI picked up on it and she's not fully briefed yet on the 'intricacies of Human mating rituals' as she calls them."

"Really?" _Am I the only person in the whole galaxy who didn't know? Dammit Alenko, you're even more oblivious than I thought._

"Really. I wouldn't be surprised if Anderson knew, maybe, _maybe_ Hackett. Cortez gave up on him after you came back aboard, not that he stood a chance anyway with you still being _alive_ and all. Javik said something about phenomenons, but I wasn't really paying attention. And I've known since like forever! Point being, do the galaxy a favor and go shag him before the Reapers kill us all!"

"I..."

"I'm serious, Alenko. Go fix him!"

*********

Never in his wildest dreams did Kaidan think that he'd be taking advice from Joker, relationship advice at that, but there he was, stepping off the elevator to Shepard's cabin, trying to channel some of the courage he'd been building over the last twelve hours into himself to fix his mistake.

He took one last deep breath and punched in his Spectre override codes. He knew this crossed a line. Using them for personal reasons, hacking into another Spectre's dwelling, and more specifically Shepard's who had never allowed anyone into his cabin before. It was the only thing he ever had that was all his.

Shepard apparently didn't hear the door open.

Kaidan walked in slowly, willing his boots not to make too much noise. It didn't seem to help, every step sounded like a symbol crash in his ears. He looked around for him, trying hard not to let his eyes wander or linger too long on his belongings. He didn't want Shepard to feel violated.

He heard about the fish tank. Everyone did. The model ships, he wasn't expecting. Shepard had never mentioned that hobby, or any hobby really. This man was a total mystery to him. He thought he knew him like that back of his hand, but he was so much more than anything Kaidan could have dreamed of. He was sensitive and complex, and Kaidan had just written him off like a bad penny, a one-trick pony, a killing machine like the rest of the galaxy had.

The gerbil threw him completely.

When he finally spotted him, Shepard was sitting on the foot of his bed, elbows on his knees, face buried in his hands. Datapads were scattered around, some on the bed, others littering the coffee table. There was an empty bottle of whiskey tipped over on the floor, and an almost empty one on the table next to the unopened bottle of wine Dawn had given him.

He swallowed thickly, bile gurgling in his stomach from the nerves. Sweaty palms and heart beats increasing by the second.

"Shepard?" he called, soft and low.

Shepard looked up. The flash of confusion on his face quickly turned feral. "Get the fuck out! I don't want to talk to you!"

"I know. You don't have to, but I have something to say and you're going to listen."

"I said get out!" he snarled, his biotics popping to life as he rose from the bed.

"No! I'm not going anywhere until we work this out," Kaidan explained, holding his ground as Shepard approached him.

"Get out before I throw you out!"

"No, Shepard! You got to say your peace, now I get to say mine! If you want me to leave after, then I will. I'll leave the Normandy too if that's what you want. Deal?"

Shepard let out a low growl. "You have sixty seconds. If you are not gone by then, I will drag you out."

"Fair enough. Look I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know how you felt about me, or as it turns out, about anything really. I'm kinda bad at reading people and flirting and whatever else you were trying to do. You know that, right? I haven't had a lot of practice with relationships. I read you wrong, I read everything wrong. But it makes sense now. I understand; I get it.

"That date, our date, even though it wasn't completely ours, was the best date I have ever had. And I know I haven't had a lot so that doesn't really mean much coming from me...I'm getting off point.

"Anyway, I think about it all the time. It's all I can think about really because I've been trying to figure it out, why it was so good, why my knees buckled when we kissed and why butterflies fluttered in my chest when you whispered in my ear. And do you know what I finally realized?

"It wasn't the date at all. It was you. All of it, it was all you. I want you to kiss me again. And I want a real one, a real date to do it right. And your ass in those jeans that I can't get out of my head, that I don't want out of my head! And I want your arms around me again because I don't feel right without them anymore.

"Even if you don't want me, if I blew my one chance, that's fine. But I needed you to know that I do want you, and that scares me to death because I don't know how to do this! And we're in the middle of a war that neither of us might make it back from and that scares me even more, but that's okay because it's you. It's always been you.

"It just took me a little longer to figure out is all. Apparently, I'm the last one to figure it out. The whole ship seemed to know before I did, even the actual ship, as in EDI. I'm not surprised about that. Did you know they were taking bets on us? I'm getting off track again...

"What I am surprised about was that you were right when you said I didn't know you. I don't, but I want to. I want to know everything, the things that no one else gets to know, things that are just ours like why I will _always_ taste strawberries when I close my eyes and think of you, and where your hands were when you kissed me for the first time, or which side of the bed you sleep on. Trivial things to other people but things that mean everything to me and to us.

"And I'll tell you things, too. Embarrassing things like how I got the scar on my lip which no one else will ever know the whole story to except you, and about the only girl I ever slept with when I was high on red sand after BAtT which was my rockbottom. Or how I prefer the left side of the bed so I can lay on my right side, both to keep the pressure off my bad knee and so I can be the big spoon, unless you want to be the big spoon.

"And also that I have a bad knee which I would never tell my CO about, but I wouldn't be able to hide for my boyfriend and my lover. Which leads to whether you prefer to top or bottom. I like both so it doesn't matter to me as long as I'm with you.

"And my minute's probably up. My point is that I want to fix this. Because...because I think I'm in love with you too. Don't ask me how or when that happened because I don't know, and to be honest, I don't care. But I do know that I don't want to face the Reapers without you, and I don't want to face what happens after without you either.

"And I'm the blind fucking idiot, not you....That's it, that's all I had to say."

They stood there in silence for what felt like an eternity. Kaidan had his back to the fish tank, almost touching but not quite. Shepard was about a foot away, his eyes roaming over Kaidan, deep in thought, hopefully about what Kaidan said and not about how much force he'd have to use to drag him out of his cabin.

The longer they stood there, the hotter Kaidan's cheeks got. The room was stifling all of a sudden and his collar was too tight. Everything was too tight. And the air was too thick, he couldn't take a deep breath. And the silence was too loud, grating on his ears like fingernails on a chalkboard. And Shepard was just standing there, not moving and not talking.

It was approaching unbearable.

"Say something!" Kaidan pleaded. "Tell me to get the fuck out again! I'll do it this time. Just...just tell me what you want me to do. Tell my how I can fix this, how I make it up to you. Because I really _really_ like strawberries."

Shepard's eyes finally met his. They were blue, so blue, but he couldn't read them. He didn't know that look, but he wanted to. Cautiously hopeful, maybe?

"I really _really_ like strawberries," Shepard echoed, his voice a soft raspy whisper, husky voice taking Kaidan's breath away.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, and I....I can be the little spoon."

Kaidan shot him a mirthful grin. He took a step forward, his body pressing into Shepard's. When the Commander didn't move away, he ran his hands up his arms and wrapped them around his neck, pulling him closer.

"Can I kiss you again?" Kaidan whispered, sweet and sultry in his ear.

He felt Shepard nod more than he saw it. He pulled back a little, enough to look into his eyes, his half-lidded eyes, an azure hue peaking out from underneath his lashes. He licked his lips, Shepard mirrored, and leaned forward until their mouths were enveloping the other's.

Kaidan was leading this time, setting the pace and the rhythm, Shepard hesitating to push to far or too much, hands innocent and light on Kaidan's hips. And that was fine, it was still mind-blowingly amazing because it was Shepard and Shepard was mind-blowingly amazing.

Then, he moaned into Shepard's mouth because he tasted so good, like strawberries even though it had been over a week since they drank that wine, and he felt good too, only fabric between them, like summers on English Bay; safe, secure, and sentimental.

He moaned again, and that was it. Shepard came to life, his arms finally wrapping around him. Those strong hands traveling down to the small of his back, almost on his ass but not quite, until they were, kneading and pulling them both closer together.

Shepard kissed him and kissed him, so hard yet so soft until he saw stars. That shouldn't have been such a big deal for someone who lived in space, who had the view he did from his window in the SO, but it was because that was just the beginning.

Maybe they would still fight and argue like cats and dogs. Although, he was sure Shepard would settle down some now that he didn't have to try so hard. But even if they did, it would be okay, it would be worth it. Shepard was worth it, _this_ was worth it, those lips and those arms and those sparkling blue eyes, wine that tasted like strawberries and van Gogh and secrets.

Kaidan pulled away, and it was over, but it wasn't over because there was an unmovable, rough, calloused hand splayed on his back under the shirt of his fatigues holding him close while Shepard's forehead rested on his. Spent lungs basking in the other's exhale, heavy pants mingling with Shepard's low chuckle, soft pink lips curving into a smile so vibrant that it rivaled the brightest star.

He did that!

"When we get back to the Citadel, do you wanna maybe go grab dinner? I know a place that still has steak," Kaidan said.

"Like a date?" Shepard asked.

"Not 'like' a date Shepard, an actual date. A proper one with bad wine and good company, handholding and a kiss goodnight," he explained with a smile. "And maybe your ass in those jeans," he added shyly.

Shepard eyed him with playful suspicion. "I guess that depends, will there be flowers this time?"

Kaidan rolled his eyes, a smile giving away his amusement. "Fine, I'll get you some damn flowers!"

"Well then Major, you got yourself a date!"

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, that was long! It kind of got away from me.


End file.
